Brad Hates Games

Fans of racing games may have been a bit surprised to learn that one entry to the Need for Speed series, NFS: Most Wanted, features a career mode with a rather extensive back story. Plotlines to racing games are nothing new (who will ever forget the original Test Drive’s riveting story of “You just got a big bonus at work, now go try out these hot cars you want to buy”?), but few of them are as in-depth as the epic tale woven in Most Wanted. Because of this, many racing fans might be too inexperienced to fully understand the complicated ins-and-outs going on throughout the game. As the TJG staff’s racing game expert, I took it upon myself to write this handy little guide to help you navigate through the literary masterpiece that is NFS: Most Wanted. I’ll break down the story as it’s given to you, as well as answer common questions as they come up.

The game begins in the present day, with you about to challenge Razor, the #15 racer on the mysterious “blacklist”. A woman (later revealed to be Mia) collects the pink slip from each driver. The pink slip dictates ownership of the car, so by putting their slip on the line, each racer is essentially betting their car on the outcome of the race. As she takes your slip, Mia gives you some advice on how to beat Razor.

Frequently Asked Question: Mia warns you that Razor will “swap paint” if he has too. What does that mean?

Answer: Allow me to explain this to those of you who aren’t familiar with racing terminology. “Swap paint”, means that if you win and Razor has to give you his car, he will first paint it all ugly colors, and write “I am a loser” across the hood, thus ruining your prize. Psychological games such as this are what makes Razor such a dangerous opponent. Well, that and the fact that he cheats.

Razor is driving a pretty fierce looking Mustang, but your BMW has a much, much bigger spoiler than his car, and that is of course the most important factor in a race. The race begins, but about halfway through, Mia calls. Mia is pretty hot, so you don’t think twice about picking up the phone and talking to her even though you’re in the middle of a death-defying race on crowded public streets with a car worth hundreds of thousands of dollars on the line. She warns you that there is something wrong with your car, and then the game fades out.

FAQ: What does Razor mean when he says “First I’m gonna take your ride, then I’m gonna take your girl?”

A: The first half of Razor’s statement is fairly obvious, since the drivers are racing for pink slips, but the second half is a bit more puzzling. It is possible that in addition to their cars, Razor and the player might have wagered their girlfriends, as well. It’s also possible that this car race is only one half of a biathlon, and the second half is some kind of piggyback or three legged race where each driver partners up with his girlfriend. Since the women would essentially be the “vehicle” in such a race, they would surely be at stake in the second event, in order to maintain some level of consistency.

There is a flashback, and we’re taken back to six days ago, when you first entered the city of Rockport. Illegal street racing is like any other career, and you’ve come to the big city to start climbing the corporate ladder, make the big bucks, and make a name for yourself. Only instead of a “corporate ladder”, it’s more like a small-time crime syndicate. The people of Rockport LOVE illegal street racing — the only businesses in town appear to be car dealerships, tune-up shops, and Burger King — and you even get into a race as you are driving across the bridge into town. This is how we are formally introduced to Mia, who races you for a little bit before both of you stop at a red light.

FAQ: Wait, illegal street racers stop for red lights?

A: No, only Mia. Which should also answer the question “Why isn’t Mia on the Blacklist?”

While you are sitting at the red light, a police Corvette comes out of nowhere and stops in front of both of you. Mia takes off right away, but you don’t know any better. Unfortunately, the game’s main villain, Sgt. Cross, is driving this police car and he hates people who stop for red lights… HATES them. This is probably because people who are stopped at red lights interfere with all the illegal street races that seem to be the basis of Rockport’s economy. He gets out of his car, yells at you for a while, but then has to leave for another call, and lets you go. He keys your car as he’s leaving, which would have been really awful if not for the fact that you’ll end up scraping 90% of the paint off of the car by hitting the walls during every race anyway.

You spend the next few days racing and building up your reputation, and eventually run into Ronnie McCrea, one of Razor’s boys. You race, and after you beat him, he leads you to a covert gathering of the blacklist members, which is like 10 feet away. Apparently when they aren’t racing against each other for ownership of each other’s cars, blacklisters enjoy hanging out together and talking about bands they like or something. Razor yells at Ronnie for leading you to their secret hideout, which seems kind of silly since their hideout is a public boardwalk out in the open. There are probably old men who accidentally stumble in on Blacklist meetings when they go to feed the pigeons.

FAQ: Seriously, what’s up with that spoiler? It’s about twice as big as the entire car.

A: A spoiler is the most important part of any street racer’s ride, as it provides an instantaneous and economical performance boost. As proven by numerous trips through the parking lot of a local mall, any car, be it a Saturn, a 15-year old Buick, or a minivan, can be instantly turned into a high-performance racer simply by haphazardly bolting a few pieces of sheet metal onto the trunk. The bigger the better, so to make sure that his highly tuned, extensively modified BMW doesn’t get embarrassed by an otherwise inferior car (such as a Ford Fiesta) equipped with a top-quality spoiler, the player has installed a comically oversized rear wing.

After a brief scene on the boardwalk and another race, the game flashes to two days before the scene at the beginning of the game. As you are driving, you get a phone call from Rog, who sets up most of Rockport’s races. Apparently, there is some kind of illegal street-racer yellow pages, because as soon as you get off of the phone with Rog, Razor calls you. It may seem weird that so many people want to talk to you, but keep in mind that you do have a ridiculously oversized spoiler on your car. In addition to single-handedly doubling the performance of your car, it’s also a great conversation piece. After a brief conversation with Razor, we are brought back to the present day.

FAQ: What does Rog mean when he says “Look what the Underground brought out. Now let’s see how you do in the daylight”?

A: It is probably a reference to the previous Need for Speed games, Underground 1 & 2, and is meant to imply that you are a character from one of those games. Alternately, it’s possible that your character is supposed to be some kind of goblin or dark elf, who would normally live underground. If this is the case, then you truly are at a disadvantage here, because direct sunlight will make your weapons and armor disintegrate, and all your rolls will receive a -1 penalty.

The opening scene between you and Razor is replayed. Again you race, and during the race Mia calls to let you know that you left a HUGE oil slick at the starting line. Car engines don’t do real well running at over 100 mph with no oil, and shortly after getting the message, the engine explodes and the car is wrecked. Needless to say, you lose the race.

Razor seems pretty happy to win your car, and doesn’t seem to be too concerned about the fact that, according to the game’s own economic model, that engine is going to cost almost $100,000 to replace. Mia runs up and asks what happened, since she is apparently too dense to figure out that the problem she called you about might have led to the demise of the car. Razor vows to “drive it the way you never could,” which we can only assume means “without an engine”.

The cops arrive and the blacklist racers take off. This bodes badly for you, because if there’s one thing Sgt. Cross hates more than people stopped at red lights, its pedestrians. You get arrested for standing near a street-race or something, but are released from jail before too long. Your good friend Mia (who conveniently abandoned you after the last race) picks you up and informs you that Razor sabotaged your car before the last race. Well, dur. You also learn that while you were in jail, Razor used your BMW to move up to the top of the blacklist. Mia drops you off at a car dealership, and that’s where the game really begins.

FAQ: How does Razor move up to the top of the Blacklist using your car, if you wrecked the engine in the last race?

A: Razor couldn’t have earned the money to replace the engine BEFORE moving up on the blacklist, so he clearly had to have figured out to win races using the car without getting it repaired. My guess is that the other drivers just got a load of that spoiler and gave up without even racing. This probably explains why they still have their cars. Either that, or else the blacklist switched to soapbox derby while you were gone.

Throughout the majority of the game, there isn’t much story progression. Rog calls you to set up races with other blacklist members, Razor calls to threaten you, and Mia calls to basically just be your personal cheerleader. About halfway through the game, Sgt. Cross leaves you an insane, rambling message in which he informs you that he has ways of getting your phone number, and that he’s from the “old school”. He also asks if people still call each other “homey” anymore, and then rags on your car for being ugly and says that he will bring you down. It’s vaguely threatening, but not really in the way Cross intends… Instead of sounding mean, the whole thing just makes him seem like a creepy stalker.

Once you defeat all the other Blacklist drivers, you can challenge Razor to the final race. After you beat him, he warns you that nobody will last long at #1 with him breathing down their neck, and if you want the keys to your old car, you’re going to have to take them from him. By this point in my play-through of the game, I already had two Lamborghini’s, a Viper, and a Corvette, so I was content to let him keep the BMW. Mia, however, steps in, takes the keys, and reveals herself to be an undercover cop. She arrests Razor, and the rest of the Rockport P.D. swoops in to get the other Blacklist racers, who have apparently forgotten how to run away. Mia throws you the keys to the BMW and tells you to run for it.

FAQ: Wait a second… Isn’t this the story from The Fast and the Furious?

A: Yes, but that just makes it better. I mean, haven’t we all at one point or another thought that The Fast and the Furious could be turned into the coolest game ever if you got to be Vin Diesel’s character and Paul Walker was replaced by a really attractive woman? I know I have.

As you are running from the police, Mia calls and warns you that Sgt. Cross has gotten wise to your usual escape techniques. This time, the only chance you have to get away will be to go to the broken bridge and jump it (I guess Rockport is located somewhere in Hazzard County). You drive to the bridge, and with the aid of your amazing spoiler, are able to glide over the sizeable gap in the bridge to safety. The police cars, equipped only with merely ordinary sized spoilers, fall off the edge and are unable to continue pursuit. The game ends with you safely driving away while the remaining police can only look on and shake their fists angrily.

FAQ: Why does Mia beg you not to hang up on her when she calls you?

A: Mia feels pretty bad about not telling you she was an undercover cop and then using you to get to the rest of the blacklist members. She figures that you must be pretty mad at her for all the things that happened to you as a result of her undercover work — you know, things like her helping to get your car back, you winning all that money, and her not arresting you and then helping you flee from the other police.

Well, that pretty much concludes the epic saga of Need for Speed: Most Wanted. I hope you enjoyed this guide, and I also hope that it has helped you better appreciate the game. But mostly, I just hope the guy who played Sgt. Cross takes some acting lessons before he appears in any other games. Seriously.

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Soccer is the world’s most popular sport, but it has never really caught on here in the U.S. This occasionally earns us some derision around the world, as other nations assume that we are either too self-centered to follow a sport that’s not exclusively “ours”, or too ignorant to appreciate it. I think that’s really unfair, if only for the simple fact that Canada also doesn’t give a damn about soccer, but nobody ever makes them feel guilty about it.

Still, in the interest of building some international good will, I decided to buy a soccer game and tell all of you proud U.S. Americans about it, in the hopes that you would read about it and maybe become more interested in the “Beautiful Game”. In order to recreate the sport accurately, I decided to play the most realistic simulation of the sport, which I decided was FIFA 07, based almost entirely on the fact that it only cost $7.

Before we get started, I should disclose the fact that while I don’t watch any pro soccer, I’m not completely ignorant about how the sport is played. I played youth soccer until I was 17. Of course, the league I played in may have had a slightly different interpretation of the rules. The last two years I played, our opponents’ main tactic for scoring was to kick the ball to our goalie, then run into her (it was a co-ed league) to knock the ball loose and into the net. My job was to beat the hell out of anyone who tried to do that. You could determine how well I was playing by counting the number of broken noses the guys on the other team had and subtracting from that the number of times I ended up standing over our goalie saying “Kellie? Are you dead?”

I’ve been told that in most real soccer leagues, they have rules that discourage this kind of behavior.

One last thing I should mention before we go any further: All of the entries will note the time on the game clock when whatever I described happened. Also, like many international sports, the leagues in FIFA use a time clock that counts upward instead of the typical American style of counting down to zero. Now, I’m not some arrogant American who can’t appreciate the styles and preferences of other countries (I mean, I am playing a soccer game after all), but for the life of me I can’t figure how the rest of the world finds it more useful to know how much time has passed in the game rather than how much time is left. As much as I hate to say it, I’m inclined to think that we may have actually gotten that one right. Then again, the rest of the world calls this sport football, and we were the idiots that decided “No, football isn’t a very descriptive name for a sport that is based around kicking a ball around. We’ll call it soccer instead and save the name football for a sport that places much less emphasis on the feet.” So I guess that makes us about even in the stupid department.

Scoring in soccer is easy. You just have to get past those 3 guys AND a goalie. You could pass it to that teammate in the corner, but he’s probably got about 7 guys on him.

Pregame – The first thing I have to do is choose a team. Since I don’t follow professional soccer at all, this is a bigger challenge than you might think. The only soccer team I’ve ever even heard of is Manchester United, and that was only because when I was a junior in high school some kid in my math class wouldn’t shut up about them. Upon remembering this, I immediately decide that any team other than “Man U” would be acceptable. I nearly chose Barcelona, due to their awesome sherbet orange colored jerseys, which look oddly similar to the old Tampa Bay Buccaneers uniforms. Still, something doesn’t quite seem right about them. I press on a little further and stumble upon a team called Real Madrid.

Real Madrid? I’m immediately intrigued by the fact that they needed to specify the fact that they were Real, and ponder the possibility that there might be a Fake Madrid out there. Would the Fake Madrid be an entire false city, or just a knock-off soccer team that pretends to be from Madrid? Just thinking of the intense rivalry that must exist between Real Madrid and Fake Madrid gets me excited. I choose Real Madrid as my team and immediately begin looking for Fake Madrid to select as my opponent.

After a few minutes of looking, I am unable to find Fake Madrid. A quick internet search reveals that there is no such thing as Fake Madrid, and that “real” is the Spanish word for royal. Dammit. Determined not to let this be too much of a setback, I stick with my choice of Real Madrid, and for an opponent, choose FC Lorient, based almost entirely on the fact that their logo appears to be fish balancing a soccer ball on its head. I’m assuming the FC stands for Fish Champions.

0:00 – As the teams take the field and the starting lineups are announced, I discover that I have David Beckham on my team. Yes! Since Beckham is the only active soccer player I’ve heard of, he therefore must also be the best player in the world. That’s only logical. A quick search online seems to reinforce this theory, and provides me with some important insight as well: David Beckham specializes in taking penalties. I immediately start formulating a game plan based around “Dirty” David Beckham tripping his opponents, punching them, and possibly just picking the ball up and throwing it into the goal, until I figure out that in soccer parlance, “taking penalties” refers not to the act of committing a penalty, but rather to the action of taking the free kick after the other team commits a foul. My new strategy is to somehow get my opponents to punch David Beckham, which shouldn’t be too hard since he invented the term “metrosexual” and married Posh Spice. I also discover that Beckham used to play for Manchester United, which in a weird way kind of makes me the equivalent of some English guy who doesn’t know anything about baseball but has heard of the Yankees and Derek Jeter.

12:41 – The game goes back and forth for a little bit, when all of a sudden, FC Lorient breaks through my defense and rushes in on goal. The attacking forward gently kicks the ball right to my goaltender, who catches it. For some reason, this impresses the hell out of the announcers, who go on and on about the “brilliant goalkeeping”. I can’t figure out why they’re so excited about this routine looking save, unless the Spanish league is a lot like a little kid’s soccer league, and most of the goalies are afraid of the ball.

14:13 – The goalies are definitely not afraid of the ball. Mine might be dead, though.

What happened is that Lorient broke through my sieve-like defense with another scoring rush. Once again, they kicked the ball right to my goalkeeper, but this time at about 100 miles an hour. Somehow, he manages to deflect this over the net. The announcers actually seem less impressed by this display of bravery than by the previous save.

Soccer players react to red cards with the kind of awe usually reserved for witnesses of religious miracles in Medieval paintings.

17:57 – One of my players slide tackles an opposing player from behind, resulting in a red card. This means that he is out of the game, and my team must play shorthanded for the remainder of the match. Going from 11 guys to 10 might not seem like a huge disadvantage, but because a soccer field is so large, it essentially means each player’s responsibility has gone from covering an area of the pitch about the size of Vermont to one about the size of Sudan.

24:53 – Scoring in soccer is really hard. That’s a big part of why 1-0 games are considered fairly normal. But while my defense seems to just let everyone on the other team run right by them, confident that scoring will just naturally stay low without their help, the other team takes a more active approach to defending. FC Lorient’s goal is so well defended that attacking it feels like storming the beaches of Normandy all by myself, armed only with a soccer ball. Even so, we do manage to get one good rush going, as my player works his way close to the net, then passes across the inner box to a wide open teammate a foot away from the wide open goal. This teammate then blasts the ball as hard as he can into the outside of the net. Scoring chance eliminated. My players all look disappointed, except for my defenders, who see this as justification that they don’t need to try. Scoring in soccer is just near-impossible on its own.

31:06 – Not ones to wallow in discouragement, Real Madrid soon gets another scoring opportunity. This time a player brings the ball up the sideline, then floats a “cross” (basically, a high kick across the goal area) to an open teammate. Showing an amazing display of skill and coordination, the teammate kicks the ball right out of mid-air, punting it well over the goal and into the upper deck of the stadium. I’m beginning to get frustrated.

34:43 – Beckham comes in on a rush, but is stopped after running right into an opposing player. Apparently simply being David Beckham isn’t enough to get past a defender.

44:02 – Or maybe it is. This time Beckham gets the ball, runs right past everyone on the other team, and basically kicks it through the opposing goalie. I feel kind of silly about all that “strategy” and “passing” I tried earlier. Apparently the trick to scoring in soccer is to simply run in a straight line and then kick the ball really hard.

45:00 – Halftime. Or at least it would be. As the clock reaches 45:00, a “+2″ appears above it, indicating that more time has been added. See, the clock never stops in soccer…not for injuries, or the ball being kicked into the stands, or anything. So at the end of the half, they add a little bit of time to make up for it. How much time? Well, in this case, “+2″. I have no idea if that means seconds, minutes, or days, and the clock doesn’t bother going into anymore detail, it just sits there saying 45:00, with a “+2″ above it. How much of that +2 has gone by? It doesn’t say. I hate to sound like some ignorant American, but how is this even remotely acceptable? Doesn’t anyone want to know how much time is left?

But as I play into this bonus time, I find out something even crazier. The announcers are going on about the “+2″, and what a nice thing it is for the fans that they do that now. Apparently, this is a recent innovation, and only a few years ago, the referee would not tell anyone how much time he was adding. He’d just stop the game at some previously undisclosed point after time had run out. Again, I have to ask: How was that ever ok?

After about two minutes (though that’s just a guess), the ref blows the whistle and we head into the locker room for halftime.

I swear, if those red and white striped jerseys are really what the US National Team wears, I’m moving to freaking Canada.

Halftime – Taking a one goal lead into the half, I try to figure out the best strategy for preserving this lead and coming away with a win. I think back to my youth soccer days and remember one team I played against, whose coach’s entire strategy seemed to consist of yelling “Don’t let them score!” over and over from the sideline. I decide to adopt this tactic into my overall strategy for the rest of the game, though I’m not abandoning my previous plan of trying to get my opponents to punch David Beckham in the face.

47:08 – Fish Champions Lorient starts with the ball this half, and within two minutes, are rushing past my hapless defenders toward the goal. The attacker comes in unchallenged, gets close to the net, and then lazily boots the ball out of bounds, as my goalie watches nonchalantly. I’m beginning to wonder if any of the players are taking this game seriously.

48:28 – Almost immediately after the previous scoring threat is averted, Lorient gets the ball back and again charges in on my goal. Once again, my defenders make ineffectual attempts to stop them, and once again my opponent breaks through for a great scoring chance. As the attacker gets past my defense, he winds up and kicks the ball as hard as he can, launching it over the goal and into the parking lot outside the stadium.

All these close calls are staring to worry me. I decide to change strategy and begin yelling “Don’t let them score!” in Spanish instead. ¡No permítales rayar!

52:38 – My new “Run in a straight line” strategy seems to be working rather well, as I am rewarded with another scoring chance. This time, my player is the one blasting the ball as hard as he can into the crowd. I can’t help but think that there’s a really good chance I just severely injured some poor spectator.

68:13 – My strategy has finally paid off! Beckham gets the ball, comes in on a rush, and then rather brutally has his legs taken out by a defender. Although this foul didn’t occur in the goal box, which would have lead to a one-on-one penalty kick from up close, this still means that he’ll be awarded a free kick not too far away from the goal — his specialty. I can’t wait to “Bend it Like Beckham” and put the game away…

…except that Beckham is still rolling around on the ground holding his leg. That’s not good.

It turns out that the sneaky bastards on FC Lorient have injured him. The offending player is given a red card and kicked out of the game, but I’m out my best player, and now someone else has to take the free kick. The replacement goes up, takes the kick, and…surprise! Knocks it into the crowd. I’m pretty sure with that kick we’ve now tied Lorient in the “shots kicked into crowd” category. This would be great if it were a home run derby.

81:59 – The game is almost over now, but FC Lorient comes in on another rush. “Don’t let them score!” I yell, feebly, as they get through my defense. My goalie thwarts them with a brilliant save, and is so pumped up about it (or else I just forgot the controls) that he celebrates by throwing the ball out of bounds, which essentially gives Lorient possession of the ball again. I hope that doesn’t come back to haunt me.

That shot’s going wide. The goalie’s just trying to save some poor fan from a serious injury.

84:17 – It’s beginning to look like this is going to haunt me. Lorient has had constant possession of the ball in my end of the field ever since I threw the ball out of bounds. I’m yelling “Don’t let them score!” as hard as I can, but I’m not sure we’ll be able to hold them off for the remaining six minutes, plus the additional mystery time.

88:46 – Still haven’t gotten the ball back and the pressure’s really on. They get another good shot off, and it’s all my goalie can do to deflect it over the net. This allows the other team to take a corner kick, which is a fairly advantageous situation for them.

89:16 – They score. Dammit.

90:00 (+2) – Regulation ends with the score tied at one. I’m given the option of standard overtime, or something called “Golden Goal”. Standard overtime means we play a 15 minute overtime period, and if it’s still tied after that, we play another one. Golden Goal is the equivalent of what we here in the U.S. refer to as “Sudden Death” overtime, where the game ends as soon as one team scores. I’m assuming they shy away from calling it sudden death in FIFA because of all the fans who have already suffered a sudden death as the result of my errant shots.

Seeing as the goals each came about 45 minutes apart, the idea of both teams scoring within the same 15 minutes seems highly unlikely. I opt for Golden Goal; if only to avoid dragging out the inevitable should one team take a lead.

99:16 – After a few minutes of back and forth action, Real Madrid takes the ball and runs down the sideline. I cross the ball into the box, one of my players gets it and…GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLL! We win!

I try to figure out who scored the winning goal, but on replay it’s revealed that the ball touched a defender on the way into the goal. This didn’t really affect the course of the shot at all, but the announcers are all over him for scoring on his own team. It seems kind of unfair, seeing as he didn’t actually kick the ball into his own goal or anything. But that’s not even the worst part — he’s the one credited with scoring the goal! That’s incredibly harsh – the kind of thing you might tease a guy about in a street hockey game, but would never actually expect to see in a professional sports league.

Later on, I go online and find out that “FC” actually stands for Football Club, not Fish Champions. This is a pretty embarrassing mistake – I had no idea the players were allowed to carry clubs.

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(The party has been systematically working their way up and down The streets of Skara Brae, entering every single building.  After several days of this, they have encountered and slain a few monsters, but have found neither The Mad God nor The Review Board.  The party begins to get frustrated and bored.)

Sir Awesome:     This isn’t quite the wild adventure I had in mind when we joined you guys.

White Beard:     Yeah, I’ve had about enough of this, too.  We’ve been doing the same thing over and over for days and the only thing we’ve found so far is a lot of empty buildings.  If Mangar really wants to be the Evil Overlord of abandoned houses, I say we let him.

Good Guy:     I agree.  What about you, fearless leader?

Tough Guy:     I suppose you guys are right.  If someone really expected us to complete this quest, they should have given us a little more direction.  Let’s go to Garth’s and sell our equipment, and then go home.

(The party goes to Garth’s Equipment shoppe)

Garth:     Hail, travellers!  How goes the quest?

Tough Guy:     It goes poorly.  We’re giving up.

Garth:     Giving up so soon?  Perhaps all you really need is this.

(Garth pulls out The Bard’s Tale Hintbook)

Good Guy:     What’s that?

Garth:     This, my friends, is all you’ll ever need to complete your quest.  It contains maps, directions, descriptions of the enemies and dangers you’ll face, and tells you about all the items you’ll need to complete the quest.  In fact, it’s pretty much impossible to finish your quest without it.

Good Guy:     Wait, the only way to complete our quest is to buy that book?  Seriously?

Garth:     Pretty much, yeah.  However, the book is cursed.

Sir Awesome:     Cursed?

Garth:     Yes, the more you use the book, the less interesting your quest becomes.  And since you need it for almost everything, it won’t be long before your quest is completely tedious.

Tough Guy:     Really?

Garth:     Yep.

Sir Awesome:     I don’t know about you guys but that doesn’t sound like much fun.

White Beard:     No, it doesn’t.  Honestly, I don’t really give a crap anymore about what happens to the people of Skara Brae.

Good Guy:     What people of Skara Brae?  We’ve been all over this damn city and haven’t seen anyone except other adventurers, monsters, and Garth.

Tough Guy:     Agreed.  As the leader, I say we should go back to the guild, get wasted, and play Madden.

Everyone:     Yeah!

(They do.)

THE END

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(The party, with new members Rowlf the Dog and Sir Awesome, are out on the streets of Skara Brae)

Sir Awesome:     So, where are we headed next?

Tough Guy:    That’s a good question.  When we were in the sewer, we found out about some crazy guy that thinks he’s a God, but we don’t know where he is.

Sir Awesome:     There’s nothing on the map?

Tough Guy:     Nope.

Sir Awesome:     So what are we supposed to do?  Check every building in town to see if there’s a secret dungeon hidden it?

Tough Guy:     I guess so.

Sir Awesome:     What?  You can’t be serious.  There must be a better way – some kind of clue, or an instruction as to where we might find this guy.

Good Guy:     You would think so, but there really isn’t.  And we don’t really have any reason to think that finding this guy will actually get us any closer to the evil wizard, anyway.

White Beard:     In fact, we’re pretty sure that the best way to reach Mangar is actually through the Baron’s Castle, but we keep getting killed by his Guardian Statues.

Sir Awesome:     But you guys know where Mangar’s tower is, don’t you?  It’s that big, dark, evil looking tower in the corner of the town.

Tough Guy:     Yeah, but there’s a small fence around it, and the gate is locked, therefore making it completely impenetrable.

Sir Awesome:     So let me see if I’ve got this right – Our plan, as it stands, is to barge into every single building in the city, hoping to stumble upon the Mad God, who we think can give us some kind of advice as to how to enter the castle without getting killed by the statues?

Tough Guy:     Actually, we were planning on just killing him and taking his stuff.

Rowlf the Dog:     What?!  Really?!

Tough Guy:     Yeah, that’s pretty much what we do.

Robber:     Hopefully he’ll have something that will help us.  And if not, at least we’ll gain a few levels by killing him.

White Beard:     Speaking of which, I don’t think I’ve gained any levels so far.

Robber:     Me neither.

Good Guy:     According to the “Instruction book”, we need to seek out the review board, and they will grant us higher levels if they deem us worthy.

Rowlf:     Perhaps they will know where the “Mad God” is, too.

Sir Awesome:     That sounds like a much better plan.  Let’s go there.

Good Guy:     The “Instruction Book” says that their location is a secret.

Rowlf:     So how do we find it?

Tough Guy:    (sighs) Guess we’re back to checking every single building in town.

Sir Awesome:     But that’s so tedious.  Doesn’t anyone think there’s a better way than just randomly going into buildings and hoping for the best?

White Beard:     We used to think that, but our experience so far has shown us that our quest is mostly aimless.  You’ll get used to it, eventually.

(Tough Guy walks up to the door of a house)

Tough Guy:     Everyone ready?

Good Guy:    Yeah, let’s get this over with.

(Tough Guy kicks the door open)

White Beard:     Empty.

Good Guy:     On to the next one, I guess.

(All party members sigh)

Rowlf:     This sucks.

(The party goes to the next house.  Tough Guy kicks the door in)

White Beard:     Empty.

Robber:     647 houses to go.

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(The party goes to the Adventurer’s Guild)

Tough Guy:    Attention everyone! Our noble quest to overthrow the evil wizard Mangar has befallen a casualty. Despite this loss, the mission is going quite well. Who will step up and take the place of our slain conjuror, and aid us in heroically liberating this fair town?

(Silence throughout the Guild)

Robber:    We’re also getting rich killing monsters. Each one we kill leaves a pile of treasure behind… for some reason.

White Beard:    Yeah, I’ve got 10,000 gold pieces on me right now. And we’ve only been doing this for about two weeks.

Tough Guy:    Wait, I’ve only got 8,500. Why do you have more money than me?  I thought we had been splitting it evenly.

White Beard:    Remember when we were fighting those wolves, and I cast Magic Missile? And then you yelled “And I cast money missile!” and started whipping gold coins at them?

Tough Guy:    Oh yeah. That was pretty funny.

White Beard:    Well, that’s why you have less money than the rest of us.

(A knight and a plainly dressed man approach)

Knight:    Wow, you guys smell awful!

Good Guy:    We were in the sewers.

Knight:    Really?  I love the sewers!  Me and this bard here seek out adventure in the sewers all the time.

Bard:    Hello.

Tough Guy:    So did you want to join our party, then?

Knight:    Well, I would, but you said you only have room for one person.  I’m afraid I can’t just abandon my minstrel – he’s the only one who remembers how to get home from here.

Bard:    I’m also his wingman when we go to taverns in search of fair maidens.

Tough Guy:    No worries, the bard can come too!  (Turns to Hitman) Hitman, you’re out of the party.

Hitman:    Dammit!

Knight:    Oh, you shouldn’t get rid of one of your trustworthy comrades on account of us.

Good Guy:    Trustworthy? He can’t kill anything, he complains all the time, and he’s an alcoholic. I’d much rather have the bard and not end up spending several hours in every single tavern we walk past.

Knight:   Hmmm…You’ve obviously never adventured with a bard before.

Good Guy:     Perhaps you two should at least tell us something about themselves before we allow you to join our quest.

Knight:    Gladly!  I am a paladin, trained in the ways of armed combat and sworn to destroy all evil.  I’m also very resistant to magic. My name is Sir Awesome.

White Beard:    Sir Awesome? That’s the worst name I’ve ever heard, and I’m in a group with people named Tough Guy and Good Guy.

Sir Awesome:    You think that’s bad?  This is my traveling companion, Rowlf the Dog.

Tough Guy:     Hello, Rowlf.  What can you do?

Rowlf:     I play songs!

Tough Guy:     No, I mean, what can you do in battle?

Rowlf:     Play songs.

Good Guy:     That’s it?

Rowlf:    Pretty much, yeah.

Tough Guy:  Um… ok.

White Beard:     Oh great.  Whitey could shoot lighting out of his fingertips and breathe fire.  Now he’s dead and we’re going to replace him with a guy who’s main power is that he plays the lute.  We’re going to look pretty impressive in combat, what with Robber hiding and the bard here belting out “Sweet Home Alabama” every time an enemy comes by.

Tough Guy:    Nevertheless, the knight will prove most useful.  Welcome to our party Sir Awesome and Rowlf the Dog.

Hitman:     So what am I supposed to do now?

Tough Guy:    The quest is not over for you. I have an important job that needs someone of your talents.

Hitman:    Is it some kind of covert operation? I am a spy and an assassin, after all.

Tough Guy:    It’s, um… kind of like that. You shall hold onto our extra items that we don’t need now, but might want later. Also, you will be our money holder.

Hitman:    Money holder?

Tough Guy:    Yes, I’ve heard that adventurers who are slain in a dungeon are often returned here to be revived, but that they lose all the gold they had on them when this happens.  We wouldn’t want to get cleaned out, so we’ll give you most of our money before we leave, and you can keep it safe for us until we need it.

Good Guy:     Be sure not to spend it all on booze.

Tough Guy:     Oh, and give Sir Awesome all your weapons and stuff.

Hitman:    Well, this sucks.

(Hitman gives Sir Awesome his weapons and armor.)

Sir Awesome:     Score!

(The party leaves the guild)

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(The party enters the sewers. After a quick battle against monsters that attacked them upon their arrival, they stop to go over their situation.)

White Beard:    Well who would have guessed, it’s a sewer full of monsters. Can we go back now?

Tough Guy:    No, we need to explore this.

White Beard:    Why? It’s a sewer. And there are monsters in it. Look. (points) There’s one over there.

Tough Guy:    The sewer may have clues on how to access Mangar’s evil tower.

Hitman:    Why would there be clues like that in the sewer?

Tough Guy:    Look, we explored the whole town. We can’t get into the Baron’s castle, we can’t get into the friendly wizard’s tower, and we can’t get into the evil wizard’s tower. It’s this or nothing.

White Beard:    If the sewer is our best lead, we’re screwed.

Good Guy:    (sees something on the wall) Hey, what’s this?

Hitman:    Someone wrote a message on the wall.

Tough Guy:    Finally! The clue we needed! Robber, what does it say?

Robber:    Why do I have to read it?

Tough Guy:    You’re the rogue. If it’s a trap, you’ll be able to tell.

Robber:    Yeah, but um…

Tough Guy:    What?

Robber:    Well, the thing is…

Good Guy:    You can’t read, can you?

Robber:    Yeah. Why doesn’t Tough Guy read it then?

Tough Guy:    Um… Hitman is closer.

Hitman:    I can’t see so good in the dark.

Whitey:    You’re an assassin. You work in the dark.

Good Guy:    Neither one of you can read, can you?

(Tough Guy and Hitman shamefully shake their heads)

Good Guy:    Well, that’s just great.

Tough Guy:    What do you want? I’m a half-orc. You should be glad I can tie my own shoes.

Hitman:    Besides, it’s not like Mangar is going to make us read books when we fight him.

(Good Guy reads to himself)

Tough Guy:    Is it a clue?

Good Guy:    It says “Golems are made of stone”

Whitey:    Well… dur.

White Beard:    Great. Can we get out of the sewer now?

Tough Guy:    No, we must venture on, and find more… clues. Robber, this place could be dangerous, I want you looking out for traps.

Whitey:    Why would there be traps in the sewer?

Tough Guy:    I don’t know. Why is it full of monsters?

White Beard:    Of course, this brings me back to my original point. If it’s a sewer, and it’s full of not only monsters, but also now traps, why are we hanging around?

Tough Guy:    Because we may find some more clues.

Whitey:    Like the last one?  What value is that?  Is someone going to ask us trivia?

White Beard:    (sarcastically) I’ll take Golems for $500, Mangar.

Whitey:    (in an Alex Trebek voice) Golems are made of this.

White Beard:    What is stone?

Good Guy:    Well, we might as well go on.

(The party carries on, fighting many monsters. After some time, they find another message)

Good Guy:    It says, “Pass the light at night”

Robber:    What do you suppose that means?

Tough Guy:    Must be some kind of warning. If we see a light, we shouldn’t pass it until nightfall.

Hitman:    What do you suppose happens if you pass it during the day?

Tough Guy:    You probably die.

White Beard:    Then how could they write the warning?

Tough Guy:    Hmm… maybe you’re just badly injured.

White Beard:    Yes, but if I were badly injured, I’d go back and get medical attention. I wouldn’t hang around here writing on the wall.

Whitey:    What do you even use to write on the walls of a sewer?

Tough Guy:    The blood of a smart-ass mage. Can we continue?

Whitey:    You know, if you’re going to be like that, we’ll just write down our sarcastic remarks and then you won’t have any idea what we’re saying.

(They tramp through the sewer some more. Suddenly, a cloud a poison gas is unleashed upon them)

Good Guy:    (coughing) Is everyone ok?

Whitey:    I lost a few hit points, but I’m ok. What happened?

Hitman:    Poison gas cloud.

Tough Guy:    Where were you on that one, Robber?

Robber:    Uh, well… you see, even the best thieves aren’t going to find ALL the traps.

Tough Guy:    Have you found any traps yet?

Good Guy:    Look, lets just go on. I’m sure Robber will redeem himself eventually.

White Beard:    Speaking of useless party members, we’re still waiting for Hitman to kill some terrible monster with one perfect strike.

Good Guy:    Guys, this really isn’t the best time for pointing out how much Hitman and Robber suck.

Tough Guy:    He’s right. We should go on.

(The party marches on. Along the way they get into many battles, during which Hitman does little damage to his enemies. They also step onto many traps that Robber fails to notice. Eventually they come upon a mouth, floating in midair.)

White Beard:    Whoa, that’s pretty weird.

Floating Mouth:    Know this. That a man called Tarjan…

Tough Guy:    That is so cool. A floating mouth.

Floating Mouth:    Know this. That a…

Whitey:    I wonder how this happened?

Floating Mouth:    Know this…

Hitman:    It’s awesome.

Good Guy:    I think it’s trying to tell us something.

Floating Mouth:    Know this. That a man called Tarjan, thought by many to be insane, had through wizardry powers proclaimed himself a God. His image is locked in stone until made whole again.

Tough Guy:    Did you guys get all that?

Whitey:    I think we better write that down.

White Beard:    Or we could just take the thing with us.

Tough Guy:    Robber, you’re the thief, grab it.

Mouth:     What?  You can’t just take me with you.

(Despite it’s protests, Robber takes the floating mouth and puts it in his bag.  Further on, they see a bright light.)

Whitey:     That must be the exit.

(Whitey walks toward the light and is vaporized)

White Beard:     Correction.  That must have been the light we’re supposed to pass at night.

Good Guy:     He’s completely gone!  We can’t even revive him at a temple.

Robber:    I’m scared!

Hitman:    Run away!

(The party flees, running through the sewers, the wine cellar, the tavern and not stopping until they are back on the streets of Skara Brae)

Tough Guy:    Well, we knew there would be dangers. The important thing is that Whitey and White Beard were virtually identical, so no big loss.

Good Guy:    And we did get a good clue about that Tarjan guy. For now, we should go to the Guild and get a replacement for Whitey.

Tough Guy:    Then we can go to the Equipment Shoppe to buy new gear with all the money we made from killing monsters.

White Beard:    (sarcastic) Oooh, let’s go shopping…  You’re such a woman, Tough Guy.

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(The group finds itself in a dark, musty, wine cellar. After wandering around for a bit they are attacked by 3 skeletons. Tough guy and Good Guy each destroy one. Hitman hits the third with a glancing blow that doesn’t seem to do any harm.)

Tough Guy:    Come on, Hitman. Just once, could you kill something?

Hitman:    Look, when I instantly kill some insanely tough monster with one well-placed strike, you’ll be glad I came along.

White Beard:    A skill which would have been real handy against the dragon statue, by the way.

Good Guy:    Look, all we’re saying is that you’re going to have to step it up a bit. Me and Tough Guy each killed a skeleton, couldn’t you do the same?

Skeleton:    Hey, I am right here, you know.

Tough Guy:    Shut up! (he kills the last skeleton)

Robber:    Hey, the skeletons dropped a treasure chest.

Tough Guy:    No pile of gold?

Robber:    Must be inside.

White Beard:    Why would a group of skeletons be wandering around a wine cellar, lugging around a treasure chest?

Whitey:    They like wine?

Robber:    Let’s open it.

Good Guy:    Wait, check it for traps first.

(There is a brief pause. After a few seconds, everyone turns and looks at Robber)

Robber:    Oh, you meant me?

Tough Guy:    This is what we brought you for.

Robber:    Right. Ok then… check it for traps… check it for traps… let’s see…

(Robber looks over the chest)

Robber:    Hmmm… looks ok.

Whitey:    Hold on.

(Whitey casts a trap disarming spell. There is a loud noise from inside the chest as several potentially deadly traps are destroyed.)

Robber:    Oh yeah, forgot to check for that one.

(They open the chest and take their treasure)

Tough Guy:    You know, we’ve been in this wine cellar for a little while, and I couldn’t help but notice that it seems particularly devoid of wine.

Hitman:    No kidding.

Good Guy:    Hey, look what I found. It’s some stairs.

Tough Guy:    Where do they go?

Good Guy:    To the sewers. I bet that’s where the monsters are coming from.

Tough Guy:    Let’s go down there.

Whitey:    Um… why do you want to go into the sewer?

Hitman:    Yeah, there’s no wine down there.

Tough Guy:    Shut up about your wine. We’re going into the sewer.

Whitey:    What for? It’s a sewer full of monsters.

Hitman:    Why does the tavern’s cellar have a stairway to the sewer?

Tough Guy:    Well, the town gates are sealed off, so maybe new supplies get delivered from outside through the sewers.

Good Guy:    That would explain why the weapon shoppe, taverns, temples and other places haven’t run out of things.

White Beard:    You didn’t know about this? Whitey and I got here through the sewers.

Robber:    So let me see if I have this straight. We’re on this mission because the evil wizard sealed off the whole town, killed everyone, and has brought in evil monsters to roam the streets to terrorize the survivors.

Tough Guy:    Yes.

Robber:    But, since we’ve started on our journey, we were able to buy a ton of weapons and armor. When we have died, we were able to go to a temple and get resurrected for a reasonable price. The toughest monster we’ve come across wandering the streets so far, aside from a dragon that wouldn’t have even attacked us if we hadn’t tried to break into the castle he was guarding, has been a wild dog. All the businesses we’ve gone to are doing well, and the taverns are packed with people. And we just discovered the both people and goods can enter and exit the town via the sewers.

Tough Guy:    Yes.

Robber:    So… why are we trying to kill the evil wizard?

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(After many days of wandering aimlessly, killing spiders, wild dogs, and the occasional crazy guy with a stick, our protagonists stop for a rest.)

Hitman:    I’m thirsty. Let’s go to a tavern.

Tough Guy:    How can you be thirsty? You haven’t stopped drinking since we left. I know for a fact you have at least 6 bottles of ale in your pack.

Hitman:    I’m sick of drinking ale.

Good Guy:    Well, lets see – there’s the Skull Tavern, the Green Tavern, the Traveler’s Tavern…

Tough Guy:    There sure are a lot of taverns for a town where almost everyone has been killed.

Good Guy:    Yeah, that’s kind of weird… And come to think of it, the taverns are always full of people.

Tough Guy:    And the weapons shop is doing booming business… and the Adventurer’s Guild is always full of people… And none of the temples has closed…

Good Guy:    Skara Brae has a pretty booming economy for being trapped under a spell of eternal winter and ravaged by monsters… Are we sure almost everyone’s been killed?

Tough Guy:    Most of these “monsters” we’ve seen weren’t really anything too ferocious. Maybe this town just needs an animal control officer.

Good Guy:    Come to think of it, I don’t actually know anyone who has died.

Hitman:    Hey, I’m still thirsty, here…

White Beard:    Well, the Skull Tavern is closest.

Robber:    We can’t go there.

Tough Guy:    Why not?

Robber:    Uh… we just can’t, ok?

Good Guy:    I told you bringing him would be trouble.

Tough Guy:    It’s no big deal, we’ll just go to the Green Tavern.

Hitman:    I want wine.

Good Guy:    You want wine? Since when do you care? I saw you drink Tough Guy’s armor polish.

Hitman:    I want wine. They don’t have it at the Green Tavern.

Tough Guy:    Fine. Which taverns have wine?

Hitman:    Only the South Tavern.

Tough Guy:    (looks at map) The South Tavern? That’s all the way across town. And there’s a Guardian Statue blocking the way.

White Beard:    Forget that… You remember what happened when we tried to go past that statue in front of the big castle?

Tough Guy:    Actually, I don’t remember… I kinda remember waking up in a temple…

White Beard:    The statue turned into a dragon, breathed fire all over us, and killed 4 of you. Whitey and I had to drag your bodies back to the temple and get you resurrected.

Whitey:    And you mocked us when we wanted robes. These robes saved our lives.

Tough Guy:    I seriously doubt that it was those stupid robes that kept you alive… I mean, they’re flammable for one thing…

White Beard:    The point is, no guardian statues.

Good Guy:    Why would a tavern have a guardian statue… seems bad for business.

Hitman:    Let’s go look at it.  It might just be a regular statue.

Tough Guy:    Hitman’s probably right. Let’s go.

(They walk across town, killing a variety of insects, stray animals, and lightly armed lunatics along the way. Eventually, they arrive before a statue of a Samurai)

White Beard:    That’s definitely a Guardian Statue. Look at all those weapons.

Hitman:    Nah, I think its decorative.

Tough Guy:    It’s in the middle of the street.

Hitman:    Probably so that everyone who goes down the street gets to see it.

Good Guy:    It’s a samurai. A statue like that wouldn’t make any sense as a decoration. Look around – Knights, European castles, European architecture on all the buildings, everything is very western. A samurai statue doesn’t fit in.

Tough Guy:    Come to think of it, I’m surprised we even know what a samurai is.

Hitman:    The fact that is doesn’t fit in is what makes it such a great decoration. Trust me.

(Hitman begins to walk past the statue. As he gets close, it turns into a real samurai and prepares to fight them.)

White Beard:    You know, if I were to never again see a statue turn into something that wants to kill us, it would still be too soon.

(The party begins to fight the samurai. Robber hides in the shadows. Tough Guy slashes it with his sword, doing much damage. Good Guy kicks it in the face, also hurting it badly. Hitman stabs it in the finger, doing little.)

Tough Guy:    What the heck was that, Hitman?

Hitman:    I’m an assassin. My attacks don’t do a lot of damage, but I try to strike nerve centers and cause instant death.

Tough Guy:    His finger?

Hitman:    Well, excuse me if I’m not up to speed on the anatomy of a Samurai.

(While this conversation is taking place, White Beard uses a magic spell to superheat the samurai’s armor, boiling him to death inside it.)

Hitman:    Good God! That’s was horrific… Not to mention the smell…

Tough Guy:    Are all mages this sadistic, or did we get the extra-messed up ones?

Robber:    Look, the Samurai turned into a big pile of gold, just like all the other stuff we’ve killed.

(After gathering up the gold, the group walks to the tavern and enters.)

Barkeeper:    Hail travelers! Welcome to the South Tavern. What will it be? We serve Beer, Ale, Mead, Whiskey, Viking Juice, Dragon’s Blood, Wine, Hard Cider, Hair from the Devil’s Beard, and Apple Juice.

Tough Guy:    A bottle of wine, good sir.

Barkeeper:    Well, that’s a bit of a trick. You’ve got to get it yourself. Our wine cellar is full of monsters.

Good Guy:    Why is your wine cellar full of monsters?

Barkeeper:    Uh… Monsters like wine?

Hitman:    Aw screw it, just give me one of everything with a cool name.

Tough Guy:    Oh no you don’t, Mr. I’m-Too-Drunk-to-Do-Anything-But-Stab-People-In-the-Finger. You made us walk all the way across town and fight that statue so you could have wine. We could have gotten drinks with cool names at the Green Tavern.

Robber:    Well, actually we couldn’t have.

Tough Guy:    Why not?

Robber:    Um… well… let’s just say that at least I couldn’t have…

Good Guy:    I thought that was the Skull Tavern.

Robber:    Yeah… them too… oh, and we can’t go to the temple on Arrow St.

Barkeeper:    (To Robber) Hey, don’t I know you?

Tough Guy:    Uh, we’ll go get that bottle of wine now. Where’s the stairs?

(The Barkeeper points to the stairs and the group quickly enters the wine cellar)

Barkeeper:    I swear I’ve seen that guy before…

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(Having recruited a group a 6 noble warriors, the party decides what to do next.)

Tough Guy:    Well, the first place we should go is Garth’s Equipment Shop, to get some weapons and armor.

(They exit the guild, enter the street, and head out toward Garth’s)

White Beard:    Tough Guy, is it very far to the store?

Tough Guy:    No, not too far.

White Beard:    Good, because we don’t have any weapons yet… if we got attacked…

Tough Guy:    We’ll be fine – It’s the middle of the day, and we’re right out in the street. Nobody is going to attack us.  I mean, sure it’s been bad around here since the wizard took over, but its not like we’re walking around Detroit or something.

(Suddenly, the party is ambushed by a group of 4 spiders)

White Beard:    Spiders!

Whitey:    We don’t have any weapons!

Hitman:    Run away!

Good Guy:    They’re just spiders.

(Robber hides in the shadows)

Tough Guy:    No ordinary spiders will stand between us and…

(One of the spiders crawls up his foot and bites him on the ankle)

Tough Guy:    AAARRRGGHHHH! It bit me!

Good Guy:    Are you ok?

Tough Guy:    It feels like I lost at least half of my hit points!

Hitman:    Run away!

White Beard:    We’re surrounded!

Good Guy:    They’re spiders. They’re like 2 inches high. Just step over them.

(Following the advice of Good Guy, the party steps over the attacking spiders and runs away)

Whitey:    That’s weird, we ran away from the spiders, but somehow we’re in the exact same spot as before.

Robber:     Yeah, you probably shouldn’t think about stuff like that too much.

(They arrive at a building with a sign reading “Garth’s Equipment Shoppe” on it)

Tough Guy:    Here we are.

White Beard:    “Shoppe”? You said it was a “Shop”.

Tough Guy:    It’s the same thing.

White Beard:    We can’t afford anything in a “shoppe”. Let’s just go to Wal-Mart.

Tough Guy:    I don’t buy anything at Wal-Mart. Their corporate management has very blatant anti-guild labor policies.

(The other party members roll their eyes)

Robber:    Doesn’t matter. Last week the Wal-Mart was robbed and then burned down by… um, monsters.

Tough Guy:    Robber, when we get in there, DO NOT steal or burn anything.

Hitman:    Here come those spiders again! Get inside!

(The party quickly flees into Garth’s Equipment Shoppe, where they are greeted by Garth, a smiling, bearded man in his mid-30′s)

Garth:    Hail, travelers! Welcome to Garth’s Equipment Shoppe! Shoppe quality at Shop prices! I’m retired from the adventuring business, but I can help you get equipped for your own quest.

Whitey:    What do you mean, you’re retired? You look younger than all of us, and we’re on our first adventure ever. Look at me, I’ve got a white beard down to my knees.

White Beard:    Me too. I must be about 80.

Tough Guy:    Pay them no heed, Garth. I am Tough Guy, and these are my companions – Good Guy, Hitman, Whitey, White Beard, and um… Rob.

Garth:    Nice names! What, did an 11 year old name you?

Tough Guy:    Shut up… and… yes.

Garth:    Oh, sorry. Anyway, I would be glad to show you some… Oh my God! What happened to your leg?

Tough Guy:    I was attacked by a spider.

Garth:    A giant spider?

Tough Guy:    Nope, a regular one.

Garth:    Well, you might want to get that looked at. It looks like you lost about half of your HP.

Tough Guy:    Feels like it too. But enough about me.  How’s business been?

Garth:    Pretty good, actually. That evil wizard killed everyone in town, except for the adventurers. So a lot of them come in here now, buying stuff to protect themselves from the random monsters that have wandered the streets ever since he took over.

Tough Guy:    Well, we’re going to kill that evil wizard, but we need some equipment. I was hoping you’d be able to give us a little discount, since we’re going to save the town from evil.

Garth:    No discounts.

Good Guy:    But we’re going to free this town of the evil. Surely, you can see the benefit of that.

Garth:    Not really. Like I said, business has been a lot better since the town became evil. Lot more people buying weapons now. Actually, most of my best customers are evil.

Good Guy:    Wait, you sell to the evil guys?

Garth:    Hey, I’m trying to run a business here.  As long as they don’t pay me in evil gold, why should I care?

Tough Guy:    Very well. Hitman and I will need strong armor and weapons. The monk fights unarmed. And Robber will need light armor and a small knife.

Garth:    Robber?

Tough Guy:    Err… I mean, Robert. His name is Robert. And we’ll need some torches too.

White Beard:    And the mages need robes and staffs.

Tough Guy:    Why?

White Beard:    Because that’s what mages fight with.

Tough Guy:    You’re mages. Just stand behind us and cast spells.

Whitey:    But what if we’re ambushed? Or if you get killed?

White Beard:    Yeah, the rogue isn’t going to protect us. He just hides in the shadows. How come he gets a knife, but we don’t get anything?

Tough Guy:    Wait, what do you think we’re going to run into that could kill me, Hitman and Good Guy, yet you would be able to defeat with a heavy stick?

Whitey:    If something happens to you guys, we want to have some kind of chance of getting out, and getting to a temple to get you guys revived. It’s for your own good.

Tough Guy:    Have a chance? You’re mages. Cast spells. Run away. That’s how you guys are going to have a chance. A big piece of wood and some robes aren’t going to help you slay a dragon.

Whitey:    I don’t care. All the other magic users in town have them.

White Beard:  Yeah, we look silly going around questing in a t-shirt and jeans.

Tough Guy:    Fine. I’ll need 2 sets of robes and 2 staffs.

Garth:    Excellent. Now as far as weaponry is concerned, we have swords, maces, axes, halbards, clubs…

Tough Guy:    What’s the best?

Garth:    I don’t know.

Tough Guy:    I mean, which one does the most damage?

Garth:    Beats me. The halbard is the most expensive.

Tough Guy:    So it’s the best weapon, then?

Garth:    Uhhh… yes?

Tough Guy:    Well, can you tell me anything about it?

Garth:    Um… It’s a spear, and an axe, combined…

Tough Guy:    How much will it increase my attack by?

Garth:    I don’t know.

Tough Guy:    Is it more than the axe would?

Garth:    I don’t know.

Tough Guy:    Oh fine. Just give me 2 swords. Now then, armor…

Garth:    We have several different types of armor.

Tough Guy:    And I suppose you don’t know which kind would give me the lowest armor class?

Garth:    What’s an armor class?

Tough Guy:    Seriously? Fine… just… just give me two of the heaviest sets.

Garth:    You want shields, too? We have a wide variety.

Tough Guy:    Yeah. Let me guess. You have no idea which shield is the best.

Garth:    No idea at all.

Good Guy:    Look Garth, you see this really huge shield? That’s better than the really little one.

Garth:    I see…

Tough Guy:    Just give me 2.

Garth:    Okay, all that stuff comes to 10,000 gold.

Robber:    Let’s just kill him and take it.

Tough Guy:  What?  No!

White Beard:  Actually, just taking this stuff does make a lot of sense if you think about it.

Tough Guy:  But that would undermine the very ideals of law and order we’re fighting to protect.

White Beard:  You’re the one who decided to let a thief join the party.

Tough Guy:  Good Guy, help me out here… be the voice of morality.

Good Guy:  Well, actually… he does help arm Mangar’s armies, so he’s kind of enabling the evil to continue.  If anything, I’d say we have a moral obligation to kill him.

Garth:  I have to admit, I’m feeling less inclined to sell weapons to you guys.

Tough Guy:  Nobody is killing Garth. We’ll just have to come back and get the shields later. (Winks at Robber). Know what I mean?

Robber:    Right, right… I gotcha. (Returns wink)

Garth:    Okay, without the shields, its 8,000 gold.

(Tough guy pays him)

Garth:    As long as you’re going to fight that wizard, I should give you these things. (Hands Tough Guy a book and a parchment)

Tough Guy:    What’s this? “Instruction Manual”?

Garth:    It has all the spells in it, and tells you how to go adventuring. The other thing is a map of the town.

Tough Guy:    Thank you.

(They leave)

Tough Guy:    Robber, did you steal us those shields?

Robber:    No. You said not to steal anything.

Tough Guy:    Didn’t you see the wink?

Robber:    Oh! That’s what that was about? Why didn’t you say so?

Tough Guy:    You suck, Robber.

(Without warning, the party is attacked by the 4 spiders again)

Tough Guy:    Ha ha! Foul spiders, you will not find us such easy adversaries this time around! With our new armaments, the grievous wound to my ankle will be avenged!

(A spider crawls up Tough Guy’s leg and bites him just below the knee)

Tough Guy:    Aiiiiieeee! I am slain!

(Tough Guy dies)

White Beard:    That spider killed Tough Guy!

Hitman:    Run away!

(Good Guy steps on a spider, killing it)

Good Guy:    We can beat them. Just fight!

(Robber steps on and kills a spider. The remaining 2 spiders bite Hitman, killing him.)

White Beard:    They killed Hitman! What devilry is this?

(White Beard steps on a spider, killing it)

Good Guy:    One spider left! Kill it Whitey!

(Whitey starts thumbing through the Instruction Manual)

Good Guy:    What are you doing? Step on it!

(Whitey find the listing of spells in the back of the Instruction Manual, and casts Arc of Fire. A huge fireball falls out of the sky, and slams into the ground, with a massive explosion that annihilates 3 city blocks. The last spider is killed)

Good Guy:    (Looking around at the half-mile radius of scorched earth and destroyed buildings) Jesus Christ, Whitey. It was just a spider.

Robber:    Look, they left a pile of gold.

Good Guy:    Why would we get gold for killing 4 spiders?

White Beard:    Who cares? Let’s get them to the temple and use it to revive these two.

(The remaining 4 adventurers go to a temple, where the healers are able to revive their  fallen comrades)

Tough Guy:    I don’t understand. Why didn’t my armor protect me from the spiders?

Temple Worker:    Probably because it’s still in your backpack.

Tough Guy:    So?

Temple Worker:    It’s not a lucky charm. You have to wear your armor. And hit stuff with your weapon. They won’t work unless you equip them.

Tough Guy:    Equip our items, eh? You think it would have been mentioned somewhere in this Instruction Manual.

(The party equips its items)

Hitman:    This is much better!

Good Guy:    Except for me.  I didn’t get anything.

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(The Adventurer’s Guild in Skara Brae. Various adventurers are sitting around tables, having drinks and swapping stories.  A tall, bald man with greenish skin enters the room.)

Bald Man: My name is Tough Guy. I am a warrior, trained in the ways of armed combat. I seek worthy comrades to help me destroy the evil wizard Mangar, who has killed all the citizens of this town, and sealed the gates in a spell of eternal winter.

(a Monk in the back of the room rises)

Monk: Nice name.

Tough Guy: Look, I was named by an 11 year-old kid. I suppose you have a better name?

Monk: I am known as Good Guy.

Tough Guy: That’s really not any better. Look, do you want to go fight an evil wizard or not?

Good Guy: Yes, I will join you. Who else will join us?

(A buzz goes up through the Guild, and a cloaked man rises)

Cloaked Man: I will join you. I am known as Robber.

Tough Guy:  Your name is Robber? What do you do?

Robber:  I steal stuff.

Tough Guy: Um… well… I’m not sure that we really need a guy who steals stuff… We’re trying to slay an evil wizard.

Robber: Then what do you need a monk for?

Tough Guy: Good question.  What exactly do you do, Good Guy?

Good Guy: I am a fighting monk. Using ancient techniques, I am a master of hand to hand combat, without weapons or armor.

Tough Guy: No weapons or armor huh? Well that will save us some money.

Robber: Hey, I only fight with daggers and leather armor. That’s pretty cheap, too.

Good Guy: Yeah, but you’re going to rob us.

Robber:  Steal what?  Your crappy beginning of the game sword?  Your fashionable bandanna?

Good Guy:  Then why would a thief want to join us?  You don’t exactly come across as civically minded.

Robber:  That evil wizard probably has a ton of good stuff to steal.  Helping you guys would get me in there.  That’s why it wouldn’t make sense for me to rob you.

Tough Guy: Even so, what benefit do we get from having you around? Can you fight, or do magic?

Robber: Well… I can disarm traps… and… um… I can hide in the shadows.

Tough Guy: Hiding? That’s your skill?

Robber: I’m really good at it.

Good Guy: Can you sneak up on people from the shadows, and kill them?

Robber: No, not really… But when I hide, nobody attacks me. And I could steal their weapons, so they wouldn’t be able to fight you.

Tough Guy: You can do that?

Robber: Um… maybe?

Good Guy: Let’s just take him. I’m sure there will be traps in Mangar’s castle that he could disarm. Besides, he’d probably just follow us anyway…

Tough Guy: Alright. Robber, you’re in.

Robber: Excellent. By the way Tough Guy, why do you have green skin and smell bad?

Tough Guy: I’m a Half-Orc. Half Human, Half Orc.

Good Guy: You mean that one of you’re parents was an Orc, and the other was a human?

Tough Guy: Yep.

Robber: Really?

Tough Guy:  Yeah.

Robber:  Because I can honestly say I’ve never looked at an orc and thought “Man, I’d hit THAT!”

Tough Guy: They lived in a pretty small town.

Good Guy:  A small town where half the citizens were orcs, and humans had sex with them?  Where was this, Mississippi?

Tough Guy:  Look, whatever… Who else will join us?

(The other people in the guild discuss this plan with each other, and eventually 3 other people join the party – A conjurer named Whitey, a magician named White Beard, and a Hunter named Hitman)

Tough Guy: This is a well-balanced group. The three fighters will handle the armed combat and defend the other members. The two mages to aid us with their spell casting. And the rogue can scout out the enemies ahead and guide us through the dungeons.

Robber: Say what now?

Tough Guy: I mean the rogue will, uh… carry our stuff… and hide whenever danger comes…

White Beard: Wait, we’re going to let a guy named Robber carry our stuff? This seems like a bad idea.

Tough Guy: All right… 3 fighters for combat and carrying stuff, 2 mages for magic, and one rogue to keep us company.

Good Guy: Then let us venture forth!

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